“Sometimes in the moments of the most searing pain, we think we don’t have a choice. But we do. It’s in those moments that we make the most important choice; grow or give up. It’s easy to want to give up under the weight of what we’re carrying. It seems sometimes like the only possible choice. But there’s always another choice and transformation is waiting for us just beyond that choice.” -Shauna Niequist, Savor
Prayer Journal Entry June 2016:
There aren’t many words I can say right now, but I miss talking to you. My body is in physical pain from this miscarriage and I go through waves of heartbreak for this loss. Through everything I know that you never left my side. I know that you provided great doctors for me and you helped me get through it. You ask us to have faith in you- and through the entire pregnancy I put my trust in You, despite the circumstances I faced. And even now, I am placing my trust in you. That whatever the future holds- it is well with my soul- because EVEN STILL you are good. You have always provided for us and I trust you will give us a child. Help me to release the hurt, the let down, the pain and the need to control the future. I come to my father and ask you to take it all and to give me joy and peace. Thank you for giving me the baby, even for the short bit. I am forever thankful.
Moments before writing that prayer entry in my grey, hard cover note book, it was so easy to give up… and trust me, I wanted to. The pain was crippling after my body rejected the life inside me. The physical pain paled to my emotional wreckage. I prayed and petitioned for that little life. Our connect group laid hands over me several times. I had friends on speed dial who were there praying alongside me. But still, that baby went to be with it’s savior and I found myself wrestling with a whole lot of emotions. Giving up would definitely be a natural thing to do. Before that prayer, I told Nick in a fit of anger that I just want to go to Heaven so I can be with my baby! A mountain of tears poured out of me and in that moment I had to decide… will I give into this pain or let God use this to change me to my core, to let it be used for His glory, to have a deep transformation in Christ. And so I decided. God is still good and He deserves all of my praise. I know that one day I will meet that baby in heaven. It was because of the transformation in my heart, the doing of a new thing that shifted my pain to thanksgiving. A few months later, God blessed us with a new life to love and adore and I learned then that something beautiful can blossom out of the wreckage if I only give God my pain instead of giving into it.
“See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19
Whatever circumstance or obstacle you are facing right now, you have a choice to let the weight of it pull you down into darkness or let it be used for something beautiful in God’s timing. Looking back at 2016, I’ve realized it’s always a choice. Always a choice to choose love, to forgive, to replace bitterness with kindness and to let go of pain because it’s too much for me to carry alone. Don’t lose hope in the goodness of our King.
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10