I feel like being a mom who wrestles anxiety (and usually wins the battle on most days) is like looking at yourself, your family and your life that has quickly changed through a thick and hazy cloud. I love motherhood and I love my baby, but when anxiety hits it’s like a big storm blew in and all I can do is stay in the fog until it blows over.
So social media is tough, because everyone seems to have everything together (even though we all know that it just can’t be the case). Still it sets this un realistic expectation of how everything should look like; not just as a mom but as a woman too. I’m here to say that it’s certainly not the case for me.
Last Sunday, we came home to quite the surprise. Our picture perfect nursery was covered in shredded dirty diapers. There were poop stains in the carpets and a blanket of white fluffy diaper debris in every corner and crevice of our sweet boys room! It STUNK! Instead of taking my intended nap, I spent a few hours scrubbing the stains out of the carpet and thinking of a handful of ways I could make our dog’s death look like an accident. I started to feel the burn of anxiety flair up in my body.
A few days ago, my baby boy who has struggled with gas pains since his first week home, was now super constipated. His shrieks were like throwing gasoline to anxiety’s fat fire. After some good cries (and prune juice) we had our first poop explosion. I almost didn’t have a chance to feel relieved because in the next breath I look down and my cat had barfed on the area rug… all while our dog got into more trouble, chewing on things she shouldn’t have had! ANXIETY OVERLOAD!
So then when I leave the house forgetting my son’s hat on a cold day or when Paxton spits up most of his milk after feeding or when he just cant settle, it feels so out of control, so fragile. In those tender moments waiting for the fog to clear, I pull out my survival tactics and tackle one issue at a time. A poop explosion? Time for a bath! Poop stains on the carpet? The carpets get a good wash (spring cleaning right??). One. Thing. At. A. Time. And that’s all anyone can ever do, with or without anxiety.
In the spirit of transparency, here is the evidence…