The days leading up to Larkin’s arrival are key in her story this side of earth. It’s hard to re-count the days even weeks beforehand as most of them became a blur. Days blended together until they were un recognizable. I filled up most days by staying in bed when I could, not leaving the house with Paxton and needing a lot of extra help (from getting up the stairs or out of the bath tub to taking care of Paxton). It wasn’t just the exhaustion of pregnancy; December and January hit my weakened immune system with multiple viruses.
At a time when I had a desire to nest and when I wanted to enjoy the last remaining days with my little guy before we became a family of four; I wasn’t able to and instead I had felt robbed of those simple pleasures. It was time that I was supposed to enjoy and be joy-filled and that just wasn’t the case for me. Existing plans to do fun things with friends were cancelled and future invites were regrettably declined over and over again. I had no energy to attend my church each Sunday or continue with volunteering where I felt best “used” for the glory of His kingdom.
I felt alone and isolated and just…. helpless.
I felt like I was left in the darkness calling out to God to turn on the lights, to help me, to heal me. The darkness was lonely and my helplessness turned into hopelessness. I couldn’t understand why I got that sick and why this was happening so close to my due date. Hospital visits, IV’s, antibiotics, blood work, tests… un answered questions and sleepless nights. It was all just TOO much, more than I was prepared to go through.
And then finally one day I gave up. Literally said the words out loud and spent the rest of that morning in tears. “Okay God, I can’t do this anymore”. A familiar song resurfaced and became an anthem song for me. I would play it on repeat the moment I started to let hopelessness enter my heart and mind.
FIND ME- Jonathan and Melissa Helser- Bethel Music
I fall down upon the ground
Press my face against the earth
Till my heart it rises over my head
As the wheat it bows down low
When the autumn wind blows
I kneel before the One I love
Find me grateful
Find me thankful
Find me on my knees
Find me dreaming
Find me singing
Find me lost in Your grace
Like the dust that You first held
In a garden where You knelt
Pull me up against Your face again
Till the breath of Your hope
Fill the depths of my soul
Till all I know is I’ve been found by love
My heart became motivated by thanksgiving. Even though I didn’t feel hopeful in those moments, I prayed that God would pull me up against his face like a father would and that his breath of hope would fill the depths and corners of a heart that felt left in the darkness. When I had no more words to pray, I just sang the chorus and knew that God was still listening and that He was filling me up with hope in those moments waiting for healing.
Even though I hadn’t been to church or had fellowship with hardly anyone in two months, God brought people to walk with me through the sickness and into the final days of my pregnancy. Random messages of hope and encouragement were sent to me almost daily. I had people who would check in with me, bring us food to eat and help me with Paxton (either by taking him for the day or by coming over to help out).
The day before Larkin was born I had woke up with a new will power that surprised me! I wanted to go to church with Nick and Paxton and felt like I could make it for the two hours away from my bed. I got to church and my energy was dwindling, my everything hurt and I was questioning what I was thinking that morning. Until a friend came up to me and said that it was healing prayer that morning and that I should go up after the service. Okay, Jesus- I’m listening.
I picked a random line to wait in for prayer and I feel like God hand picked these two just for me for just so many reasons. They prayed for healing and then stopped and said, we feel like there’s just something God wants to take from you. Immediately I knew what it was. “Fear and hopelessness” I said through streams of tears. Right after speaking it out loud it was like I could breathe deep breaths again.
That evening I went into labour! My coughing attacks had stopped, I wasn’t dehydrated, my sinuses didn’t hurt, I had energy, I didn’t have a fever or the chills and I wasn’t throwing up. Praise Jesus, I was having my baby and God had brought me there. In the hospital room, fear came back strong and after praying with my doula, husband and best friend, I was reminded that God already took that fear and helplessness from me. It was done and I could do this. God had me and He had had me this whole time.
In 8 hours total, Larkin Maya was born and she was beautiful. All the joy and excitement I felt robbed of came flooding in the moment she was placed on my chest. This pregnancy has taught me more about my heavenly Father then I ever thought possible. Sometimes God doesn’t meet us when and how we want Him to; sometimes He is waiting in the darkness with you. My expectations were to be healed, but sometimes we must literally give up to see God’s hand in it all.
You can find me grateful, thankful and on my knees praising my heavenly Father for never losing sight of me when I lost sight of Him and when I felt like I lost myself, too. I am so thankful and appreciative for all of the family, friends and community who helped my family in so many ways. He is so good to us!